Harry Potter Psychoanalysis Report
by yamimitsukai
Summary: A psychoanalysis report about the characters of Hogwarts. The people who attend there or attended there are not completely sane...


**A.N. This is a new story. It's an idea that came to me and did not leave me alone. Nothing in here is really true!!! It's called fanfiction for a reason you know. **

**HPPR**

Hogwarts is not a school for magic and wizardry; it was in fact an asylum for people with psychological disorders. The entire magic world has psychological disorders, most of them different, and some the same. Let's take a look at the current school list and top crazies of the Wizarding world.

Harry Potter- A sixth year 'student' at Hogwarts who is one of the most famous teenage wizards. He is not a singer or an actor, but an emo hero, destined to save the Wizarding world. He was orphaned at a young age by a wizard who killed his parents. Harry has anger management problems and has difficulties lying to most people save for one. He also has a saving people hero complex.

Hermione Granger- A sixth year 'student' at Hogwarts who is a semi-famous witch for being the friend of Harry Potter. She is a nerd and control freak and enjoys living at a library. If something does not go her way, someone will pay, either by giving her money or being tortured psychology until she decides it is enough. Her main psychological attack would be trapping a person in a room of extremely boring, extremely dry law books that have no active laws in their text.

Ronald Weasley- A sixth year 'student' at Hogwarts who is a semi-famous wizard for being friends with Harry Potter. He has major anger management problems, jealousy problems, and has no common sense or intelligence. He is obsessed with having money and arguing with anyone who disagrees with his ideals. He is apparently good at chess, which is strange because he loathes thinking.

Draco Malfoy- A sixth year 'student' at Hogwarts who is semi-famous for antagonizing the emo hero of the Wizarding world, Harry Potter. Draco is an egomaniac and is obsessed with his looks, but mostly his hair. If anyone messes his hair or even touches it, they will be subjected to a body-binding curse and then be forced to listen to him rattle on for hours about how great Draco is and, depending on how to the person is, how much greater he is than them. He mostly enjoys tormenting Hermione Granger, which usually ends up in failure for him and a win for the brilliant, but freaky girl.

Gregory Goyle- A sixth year 'student' at Hogwarts who is known for his absolute stupidity and lack of ability to speak proper English. Has big muscles and is very strong, but lack of intelligence makes even toddlers smarter than him. Is notorious for following Draco Malfoy everywhere and doing whatever he says. Nothing more can be said.

Vincent Crabbe- A sixth year 'student' at Hogwarts who is known for his absolute stupidity and lack of ability to speak proper English. Has big muscles and is strong, but like Goyle, a toddler has an IQ higher than him. Known for following Draco Malfoy around and doing whatever he says. Nothing more can be said.

Neville Longbottom- A sixth year 'student' at Hogwarts who has confidence issues. However, he was put into the 'house of the brave' Gryffindor, upon arriving at Hogwarts. He is extremely gullible and naïve, but loyal to everyone he meets. He has self respect issues. When with plants, he becomes a more self assured confident person; might be suffering from minor bipolar issues? However, when face with one Severus Snape, Neville becomes a train wreck, and he has been known to cause himself and others severe injuries from being within fifty feet of this man. Obviously needs to get his life sorted out.

Ginny Weasley- A fifth year 'student' at Hogwarts and sister to Ronald Weasley. She is one of those girls who thinks everything is about relationships. Ginny studies, but has been found to be reading more romance books rather than school books. She apparently wants to have Harry Potter as her boyfriend, but because of love or lust? She is addicted to fame, just like her older brother Ron, and has been seen dating several guys her age or older, some at the same time.

Luna Lovegood- A fifth year 'student' at Hogwarts and is known as the crazy girl who has a crazy father who writes a crazy and stupid newspaper. Her father edits the Quibbler, a magazine notorious for publishing stories about imaginary animals and crazy plots from the government. Luna claims to see flying animals at Hogwarts and is constantly daydreaming throughout the day. However, even if she does not pay attention in any of her classes, she still receives very high marks. A crazy genius? Most likely.

Cho Chang- A seventh year 'student' at Hogwarts. She. Is. A. Psycho. Whore. Bitch. That's all.

Severus Snape- A 'teacher' at Hogwarts. He loves mixing chemicals and making his students do the same to create concoctions that are extremely unstable and dangerous, especially if brewed by Neville Longbottom. Severus enjoys tormenting children, dark places, tormenting children, confusing people, making certain people have miserable lives, tormenting children, lying and cheating to everyone, and tormenting children. It really is a wonder how he got a job as a teacher. He is also the only person Harry Potter can lie too. Severus Snape has been called out as a vampire or a giant bat and can apparently read minds. All in all, seems like an interesting guy….Right.

Minerva McGonagall- A 'teacher' at Hogwarts. She supposed to be very strict, yet hardly punishes anyone from a certain 'group'. Seems to be suffering from selective ideas. Once she appears to believe something, nothing that happens will change her mind. Unless it involves the lives of children from the Gryffindor 'house'. Example: one student (Harry Potter) claimed that the 'school' was not safe his first year and McGonagall simply ignored him. Later that night, the same student was attacked by a psychopath and was unconscious for three days. Very responsible. Lovely teachers they employ at this 'school'.

Albus Dumbledore- An eccentric old man who clearly needs to be put to sleep. Has a tendency of kidnapping one year olds and leaving them on doorsteps in the beginning of November in London, manipulating 'students' to do his bidding, speaking in gibberish, and constantly offering people lemon drops. Albus has also has a tendency to wear bright purple bathrobes with sparkling stars sewed on, and wear contacts that allow his eyes to sparkle like diamonds. Easy way to describe him? A gay lunatic who clearly needs to be locked up and kept away from society.

Tom Riddle- A past 'student' of Hogwarts who was brilliant. He was the top student at Hogwarts until Hermione Granger came there. Is currently now a murderous psychopath who renamed himself Lord Voldemort, with a fetish for trying to murder teenagers or recruit them into his strange cult. Has his followers wear black bathrobes and white skull masks and randomly kill people. He fears death, unknown things, Albus Dumbledore, for some reason, and pink fluffy teddy bears. If this question has not already crossed your mind, then let me speak it: What the hell is the government doing allowing a nearly seventy year old man who murders people loose on the streets without even a picture to identify him by? And this 'school' depends on sixteen year old Harry Potter to kill him based on a few words spoken by a crack addict. There goes society: killed by a madman who clearly needs to be locked up away from the gay lunatic or executed for trying to purge the world of filthy blood.

Cornelius Fudge- The 'minister' of the 'Wizarding World'. He spent a year denying any attack by the madman, Lord Voldemort, instead of preparing for a terrorizing attack. Cornelius cannot make any decisions by himself, and instead relies on a group of people to decide things for him. His very close confident is Dolores Umbridge. Her whereabouts are currently unknown so there is no file on her. Minister Fudge hates change and if anything changes his perfect little world, he freaks out and blames people. He is very easily swayed by money and fame and enjoys his job as 'minster'. If he feels like someone is trying to steal his job, Cornelius will do anything to discredit them, including hiring people to hire other people to kill them. Example: during the last year when the madman first become known, instead of preparing his force, he spent all of his time and money to insult Albus Dumbledore, who is already crazy enough without the newspapers writing anything else, who he believed was trying to steal his job. Obviously Cornelius Fudge suffers from insecurity and should be put on medication immediately.

Petunia Dursley sighed and lay down her huge binder of her files that was written with her handwriting. This was why she hated the 'Wizarding World' and all of its inhabitants. They were all complete lunatics! And she had to be the one who had to psychoanalyze all of them. She told her sister that she should not go all of those years ago, and she told her nephew five years ago the same thing, but do they listen? No. _Let's all ignore Petunia because she does not know any better and is just jealous. _An old taunt came up in her mind from Severus Snape who hanging out with her sister Lily. Petunia growled softly under her breath. Her family, her precious husband and son, at least, knew the terrors of this world. She had no doubt in her mind that if she had told Dudley not to go to Hogwarts if he was accepted, he would have listened.

Petunia sighed again as she stared at the last page of the binder. She shook her head at the last file.

J.K. Rowling.

Petunia didn't even _want_ to get started on that file. It was way too large to be read in one night, and besides she had read enough of her files on the lunatics.

Petunia Dursley, the psychologist of the 'Wizarding World', closed her book of her psychoanalyses and stood up from her perch on the couch with the binder in her arms and put it on a shelf in the back of the closet underneath the stairs. There was no need for anyone to accidently pick up the binder and read about lunatics.

**The End**

**A.N. And that is that story. Sorry if you didn't like it, it just came to me one day and refused to leave me alone. And don't get me wrong, I love J.K. Rowling. She is my one true Goddess. This story is based on my ideas and most of it is false so don't get any ideas that it is true! Drop a review and tell me how you enjoyed the story! **

**Ja! **


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